Jerry Lawler Quotes › Almanac › Jerry Lawler Quotes

Jerry: Tonight on the King’s Court, I will be talking to Bret “The Hitman
Hart. You know, the guy with those Jurassic Park parents. You know Stu Hart
is so old, I told him to act his age, so he dropped dead and Helen Hart,
well, she was just born old. When she was a teenager, her acne had liver

This is when Bret Hart enters the ring in the King’s court.

Jerry: Before I talk to you about your upcoming match with Big Daddy Cool
Diesel, I want to talk about something that took place a year ago at the
upcoming event (King of the Ring ’94). Do you remember when I crowned you?
Ha!Ha!Ha! Do you remember, or do you have so much oil on your head that it
slipped your mind?

Jerry: What is that terrible smell?

Vince McMahon: It is probably Betsy.

Jerry: Who?

Vince McMahon: Betsy, T.L. Hopper’s plunger.

Jerry: Oh, I thought Betsy was that lady sitting behind us.

Vince McMahon: Jake “The Snake” Roberts is trying to tell people not to drink
and drive…

Jerry: (Interrupts) C’mon McMahon. The only reason why Jake “The Snake” Roberts
doesn’t drink & drive anymore is because he is afraid he might hit a
bump and spill his drink.

Jerry: Isaac Yankem told me the reason why Lex Luger is so stupid is because
he has a cavity in his wisdom tooth.

Jerry: Diesel is so stupid, he thinks Hamburger Helper comes with another

Jerry: Hey McMahon, did you ever see the movie “WaterWorld”?

Vince McMahon: Yes, why?

Jerry: Do you remember the part where that monster burped up Kevin Kossner?

Vince McMahon: Your point is?

Jerry: That monster reminds me of like Bam Bam Bigelow, HA! HA! HA!

Vince McMahon: How dare you say that monster was Bam Bam Bigelow.

Jerry: It looks like Bam Bam burped up Kevin Kossner all over his tights!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Jim Ross: Ahmed Johnson is home watching the semi-finals of the Intercontinental
Title tournament.

Jerry: Ahmed Johnson is probably home eating a big ole bowl of kidney beans.

Undertaker was stumbling in the ring.

Jerry: That looks like Jake “The Snake” on a Saturday night.

Mankind is sitting by the turnbuckle yanking out his hair.

Jerry: Look McMahon, there is some extra hair for your toupee.

Jerry: Mankind may pull his hair out, but if he is not careful with you McMahon,
he may pull yours off.

Jerry: Hey Sunny, nice belts!

Jerry: Those two make a real lovely pair.

Vince McMahon: What are you talking about?

Jerry: I’m talking about the Slammy trophies.

Jerry: I heard a rumor that Ahmed Johnson needed a kidney transplant, and
Jake “The Snake” was the donor, Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Jerry: As Jake “The Snake” would say, Sid’s three beers short of a six-pack.

Jerry: Hey McMahon, why don’t Shawn Michaels & Ahmed Johnson ask if they
can borrow Jake “The Snake’s” tag team partner.

Vince McMahon: Who’s that?

Jerry: Jack Daniels! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Jerry: Barry Horowitz beating Goldust is like O.J. Simpson hosting a banquet
for spouse abuse.

Jerry: Hey McMahon, your hair is looking better every day. It even had imitation

Jerry: Hey McMahon, I just saw a movie this past week about Stu & Helen’s

Vince McMahon: What’s that?

Jerry: Twelve Monkeys!!!

Jerry: Yokozuna is nothing but an ingrate. If it wasn’t for Jim Cornette,
Yokozuna would still be on a beach somewhere selling shade.

Vince McMahon: Stu Hart recently turned 80…

Jerry: hehehe…

Vince McMahon: Go ahead, make a smart comment like you always do. Go ahead!

Jerry: Have you ever heard that when someone gets older, that they try to
act younger?

Vince McMahon: Yes, so what?

Jerry:Well Stu Hart must really believe that because now he is starting to
wear diapers.

Vince McMahon: Look at the Hucksters pythons.

Jerry: Pythons!? Those look more like earthworms.

Vince McMahon: Stu Hart had a huge celebration for his 80th birthday.

Jerry: I heard that everyone wanted to get the right amount of candles for
the cake, but the fire marshall wouldn’t let them.

Jerry: I have a note right here from President Jack Tunney to Dink. I can
tell it’s from Jack Tunney because it’s written in crayon.

Jerry: I don ‘t want to get Dink mad, he might punch me in the ankle, Ha!
Ha! Ha!

Jerry: When Queasy gets done with Dink, he’s going to go back to what he
can do best and that’s being a desk clerk at a roach motel.

Vince McMahon: What are you doing?

Jerry: I just introduced “Sleazy”.

Macho Man: You’re sleazy.

Jerry: Yeah, nice outfit Savage. Did the bag lady give that to you?

WWE was in South Africa.

Jerry: Where you their Ross?

Jim Ross: Yes I was.

A picture of this ugly thing.

Jerry: Yeah, I see you brought your wife.

Jim Neidhart challenges the British Bulldog.

Jerry: So British Bulldog, do you accept his challenge, or is your breath
worse than your bite.

Macho Man: What is he doing?

Jerry: I’ll tell you what I’m doing Savage. I am going to talk to a dating
couple, something you know nothing about Savage. All your dates are the same,
inflatable. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Vince McMahon: Calm down Randy!

Jerry: In fact, the computer dating service called and told me they found
the perfect date for you, but the zoo wouldn’t let her out.

Jerry tells the girl that her boyfriend wants to marry her.

Jerry: You don’t want to marry him. Look at his ex-girlfriend, she’s been
around more times than a carousel.

The girl said yes.

Jerry: Now that you’re going to marry him, just remember a few things. Love
your husband, respect your husband, but try to get everything in your name.

Vince McMahon: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Macho Man: I agree with him.

Jerry: I would like be the first to give you a congratulatory kiss… Wow,
last time I saw a nose like that there was an elephant attached to it.

Jerry got a kid to dress like Roddy Piper to make fun of him for their up
coming match at KOTR.

Jerry: Nice haircut. Where did you get that from, a pet shop?

Jerry: When I saw Vader crash on Jake “The Snake” Roberts’s ribs, that was
100% proof that he was finished. But then again, knowing Jake “The Snake”
Roberts he won’t drink anything unless it is 100 proof.

Jerry: P.U.! You can smell the alcohol on him.

Jerry: Hey McMahon, why don’t you get Jake “The Snake” Roberts down here?
Ha! Ha!

Vince McMahon: Oh, you think you are real funny.

Jerry: I want to talk to him. I want to ask him how the food was at the Betty
Forbes clinic.

Vince McMahon: Right now on the phone, Jake “The Snake” Roberts…

Jerry: WHAT?!

Vince McMahon: Jake, how are you?

Jake Roberts: I’m doing okay.

Vince McMahon: Jake was out yesterday due to an internal muscle…

Jerry: No McMahon, I told everyone the reason why Jake was out of In Your
House. He has barthritis he aches in a different bar every night, HA! HA!
So Jake, where are you calling from? The local bar, or the Betty Forbes Clinic?

Vince McMahon: How dare you!

Steve Austin: I didn’t know you could get a torn muscle coughing up all that

Jerry: HA! HA! Hey Jake, I thought you would be here, so look, I got a surprise
for you. Look Jake, it’s your tag team partner Jim Beam HA! HA! HA! HA!

Jake Roberts: One of these days, someone is going to get you and I hope that
it will be me.

Vince McMahon: Jake, when do you think you will be back?

Jake Roberts: Hopefully soon.

Steve Austin: As far as I’m concerned son, You need to stay out for as long
as you can…

Vince McMahon: I’m sorry Jake, I will not subject you to anymore of this.

Jerry: So long Jake, why don’t you say hello to your friend Otis Campbell,
Ha! Ha!

Steve Austin: McMahon if you ever cut me off like that again, I’ll back-hand
slap you and knock those stupid glasses off your face.

Jerry: The only reason why Aldo Montoya beat me was because he has been hanging
around Jake “The Snake” Roberts and has been carrying around those intoxicating
fumes from Jake.

Vince McMahon: I’m attempting to get Jake “The Snake” Roberts on the phone
right now.

Jerry: What are you going to do McMahon? Tell him that you’re a bar tender?

Jerry just finished a match up with Aldo Montoya and is about to dump a bottle
of booze down his throat.

Jerry: Hey Jake, don’t get jealous

Jake Roberts: I’ve got a lot of fire and rage burning inside of me…

Jerry: The only thing you have in you is 100 proof.

Jerry: Tonight on RAW, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin battles Jake “The Drunk”

Jerry: Look at Jake, he’s missing his shirt. He probably sold it for a shot.

Jerry: Jake is so drunk, whenever he wrestles he sees double vision. But
he still wonders why everyone has an exact twin.

Jerry: The only reason why Jake wants to come here is because he probably
saw the bottle.

Kevin Kelly: I don’t think you have anything Jake is interested in.

Jerry: What?! Jake “The Snake’s” two best friends are Jim Beam & Jack

Jerry: Hey Jake, you don’t look so tough now! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Kevin Kelly: Yeah King, it sure takes a lot of courage to taunt a man while
he is laying on his back.

Jerry: That is the way he always is, that drunken’ bum.

Kevin Kelly: King, don’t you go interfere in the match with that bottle of

Jerry: C’mon. Jake looks thirsty. His tongue is hanging out like a redneck’s

Jerry: I think they made a mistake when they called him the “Wildman”. I
think they should call him the “Mildman”.

Jerry: My goodness, look at Henry Godwinns teeth, that looks like an orthodontist
dream !

Vince McMahon: What are you talking about?

Jerry: Henry Godwin has got so many missing teeth, it looks like his tongue
is in jail.

Vince McMahon: Isaac Yankem appears to be scared of the Ultimate Warrior.

Jerry: C’mon McMahon. Isaac Yankem is so tough, he can floss his teeth with
barb wire.

Jerry: I was offered a job to write and draw a cartoon about the Hart family.
I had a hard time trying to draw Helen Hart because I don’t think anyone
has invented a pen with enough ink to draw all the wrinkles on her face.

Jerry: Out of all the King’s Courts that I have had, you people are by far
the ugliest crowd I have ever seen. Look at you. Is that your face, or did
your neck throw up?

Jerry: Look at these two, look at her face! You see, it’s girls like you
that turn men into… well, you know, people like Goldust.

Jerry: Now that Razor Ramon’s leg is hurt, he probably has to ride on a
wheelchair. If his wheelchair ever stops moving because of rust, he can just
use the grease from his hair to make it roll again.

Jerry: If Vader drops the Vader Bomb on Razor Ramon, a huge grease spot will
be left on the ring.

Jerry: Hey McMahon, at the Bikini Beach Blast, if you decide to take a swim
in the pool, your toupee might raise to the top and scare everyone away.

Jerry: That was the scariest thing I have ever seen, having to sit next to
McMahon in the dark. You should have seen his toupee, it got up and started
to crawl like a bug.

Jerry: Last time anyone saw legs like that was when the Brontosaurus was

Vince McMahon: One of these days, you’re going to get DDT’d.

Jerry: You know, DDT is about the only thing Jake won’t drink.

Jerry: Instead of OJ’s kids, what about Jake “The Snake’s” kids? We don’t
have to worry about them though. At least they will be sober. They won’t
drink anything stronger than pop. But then again, Pop will drink anything.

Jerry: What do Jake “The Snake” Roberts and a beer bottle have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up!

Jerry: Savio Vega is taking more shots than Jake “The Snake” does during
happy hour.

Jerry: McMahon, do you think Men on a Mission will beat the Quebecers for
the WWE tag team titles?

Vince McMahon: I have a feeling.

Jerry: Yeah, it’s probably gas.

Jerry: Jose Lothario is so old, Anna Nicole Smith is starting to propose
to him.

Jerry: I asked Sunny if she would ever consider dating you . She said she
would rather give birth to a porcupine on fire.

This was during the Karate Fighter tournament.

Jerry: Sunny’s got a real nice pair of wrists.

New Electronic Karate Fighters that talk!

Jerry: Psycho Sid already hears voices, wait until he plays this.

Vince McMahon: Mabel is a real nice guy to the fans.

Jerry: Yeah, but I heard that he is not too nice if you disturb him during
feeding time.

Jerry: Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, he probably got baptized at
Sea World.

(At the 1997 Slammy Awards)

Jerry: It’s going to be a hair-raising experience. In your case McMahon,
a toupee-raising experience.

(Undertaker walking off stage at Slammy Awards 97 and the camera gets a shot
of his tattoos)

Jerry: OOOh, look at that face. That’s Helen Hart’s face there.

Vince: That was Capt. Louis Albano

Jerry: No, on Undertaker’s arm. See it right there on his shoulder? I’d know
Helen anywhere!

McMahon, if that (Ross’) hat of his gets any bigger, he’s gonna have to roll
up both sides of it just to get him and his old lady in the pick-up truck.

When she (Chyna) comes in the room, mice jump on chairs.

Bret “The Hitman” Hart styles his hair with a weedwacker.

The stork that brought his (Mankind) kid got arrested for carrying dope.

(Owen Hart pushed the waiter at 97 Slammys and the waiter spilled food on

Look, Vader’s got his dinner jacket on…..with dinner still on it!

I got in trouble because I stopped and told Helen Hart that her nylons are
wrinkled……She wasn’t wearing any.

(Phineas was having trouble reading the winner of Best Buns at 1997 Slammys)

He cant read! He cant read, McMahon!

Is it true that the toughest 4 years of your life was the 3rd grade? Is that

Ahmed Johnson’s so dumb that he thinks Thomas Jefferson is that black guy
that’s married to Weezy.

Bob “Spark Plugg” Holly came in last in his last race because he kept pulling
into the pit asking for directions.

Helen Hart got her tongue stuck in a toaster trying to make french toast.

Look at Paul Bearer. Looks like somebody dropped an ugly bomb on him.

Is that Paul Bearer’s face of did his butt grow a nose?

(Close-up of Sunny’s….uh, Slammy’s)

Vince: Nice Slammy

Jerry: She’s got a nice PAIR of Slammy’s

Helen’s got nice teeth….for a beaver!!